A Really Honest Post

Okay. The title makes it sound as though I don't always write honest posts. That's not true. I do.
Honestly.

But lately I find myself having a little trouble writing anything at all. And by a little trouble I really mean very, very much trouble. My "posts" page is quickly filling up with drafts that go unfinished and unpublished. Lots and lots of drafts. Because up until now this blog has been a really great avenue for me to gain a little confidence, learn some new things, and do a bit of self-healing along the way. But right about now, it seems more of a frustration than anything.

I realized just how much the other morning. When I woke up feeling funky. And by funky I don't mean, put-on-your-dancing-shoes-and-boogie funky. I mean, bury-your-head-under-a-pillow-and-maybe-never-come-out funky. But I did unbury my head. Long enough to read a super funny blog post.
Not written by me.
It seriously had me laughing out loud. An authentic from the gut laugh. It was a great way to start the day!... Until I remembered how very much I miss writing a fun blog post. Then I just got mad. And by mad I don't mean, I'm-a-flippin'-genius mad. I mean, I'd-feel-much-better-after-blowing-up-a-Porta-Potty mad. So I put on my angry eyes and started an angry post. Totally unfiltered. Trust me. You did not want to read this. I sat on it for three days. Then decided what I needed most was to take off the angry eyes and just write a really honest post. And by really honest, I mean open.

So here are five really honest and open things you should know:

1. After nearly 27 years of marriage, I am in the middle of a divorce. This is hard. Harder than anything.
2. I moved out of my house, in the middle of the night, exactly six months ago. Four weeks before my daughter's wedding.
3. I served divorce papers one month later. Nine days before the wedding celebration in her husband's town.
4. I know that 1, 2, and 3 make me sound crazy. I am not. But over the past few months I have reached my complete and total stress threshold. Several times.
5. And I have successfully made it through nearly one year's worth of holidays "alone". What do I have left? The big ones. My birthday, the anniversary, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Then I can check off a whole year's worth of "firsts". And for the first time ever I am looking forward to January.

And here are five more really honest and open things you should know:

1. If there is anything out there more difficult than divorce, please don't wish it upon me. Or anyone. Because divorce is enough brutality for one lifetime.
2. I feel sad. Really sad. I feel happy. Really happy. I feel like a failure... I feel successful... I feel uncertain of myself... I feel confident... I feel frightened... I feel brave... I feel anxious... I feel peaceful... I feel, I feel, I feel! I pretty much feel everything. And I really feel everything. Often in the same day. But most of all I feel better, and healthier, than I have in a really long time.
3. I cry every day. Some days I cry a little. Some days I cry a lot. Either way, I am growing new wrinkles. To be fair, I have earned them. But that doesn't mean I want them. Ergh.
4. I am learning a lot about myself - who I am, and who I want to be. Each new day I have to look directly at me... and dig deep. Very deep. It's kind of big. And important. And difficult to blog about.
5. Mostly, I am learning a lot about my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Stuff I thought I knew. But didn't really.

And if you are up to it, here are five more really honest and open things you should know:

1. I have learned what not to say to people who are divorcing. Because people have said it to me.
2. But sometimes saying the wrong thing is better than saying nothing at all...    Sometimes.
3. I have been blessed with amazing friends. And amazing family.
4. I have been blessed with amazing everything, really. All along the way. So. Abundantly. Blessed.
5. And I am deeply grateful. Usually there are not words to express just how grateful. But there are tears. So I grow more wrinkles.

There is more. A lot more. Things I miss, things I don't miss; things I love about now, and things I can hardly bear; frustrating things; absurd things; hilarious things; overwhelming things; the good, the bad, the ugly, and...the uglier things. And beautiful things. A dozen or so more lists of five. Or ten.

I have never wanted for this blog to serve as an online journal. Instead, I have wanted it to be fun, inspiring, poignant, clever, thoughtful, and humorous, with messages that people can relate to. Or at least find a little joy in. But those things are hard in coming these days. I also wasn't going to write about my divorce until it was all over. And even then I planned to write only three posts, all in one week, and be done about it. But I'm not gonna lie. This has felt so good to write. Maybe because sometimes I just need to get the real stuff out. Or  maybe because in getting it out I have freed myself... to free my words. I'm not exactly sure. But it may be time for a season of more posts like this. Honest. And most of all, open. So hang with me while I figure it all out.

And I promise. I'll try to leave the angry eyes at home.