What Is Normal?

Do you ever find you asking yourself things like...

Is it normal to be annoyed by crooked wall hangings?
Is it normal to like butter and sugar on your pancakes?
Is it normal to be afraid of spiders?
Is it normal to have to clean your kitchen before you can comfortably cook in your kitchen?
Is it normal to have receipts from 1979?
Is it normal to have a headache after eating Nacho Cheese Doritos, but feel just fine after eating Cooler Ranch Doritos? (Seriously. What gives?)
Is it normal to smell your own armpits?

Well, these are some of the questions I ask myself. (Emphasis on some. Because I don't have any receipts from 1979. Nor do I smell my own armpits. But I know people who do. Gross.) And since I "put it all out there" in my last honest and open post, I am now free to confess that going through a divorce has added a whole list of new questions to my "Is it normal...?" list.

Like...

Is it normal to feel like everyone is talking around you, but not to you?
Is it normal to feel kind of isolated from your family, as well as some of your old friends and activities?
Is it normal to feel a little lost when all that was familiar is shifting too quickly to keep up?
Is it normal to feel compassion and anger simultaneously?
Is it normal to feel nervous about eating out by yourself for the first time?
(I was. But I did. They sat me at a table for 8. By myself. True story. I count it as a victory.)

I could make this list very long. But I won't. Because I think you get the point by now.
And perhaps you even asked yourself some questions about me after reading my last post.

Questions like...

When going through a divorce is it normal to feel really sad, really happy, like a failure, like a success, uncertain of yourself, confident, frightened, brave, anxious, peaceful, and a host of other emotions - even in the same day?

It's okay if you did. I did, too. Then I Googled it. Because Google knows everything.
And if you can't find it on YouTube it hasn't been done.

I didn't Google all of these questions individually, because I am pretty familiar with the grieving process. So I just Googled "grief and divorce". And then I opened the first link at the top of the page.

I found this:

"It’s never easy when a marriage or significant relationship ends. Whatever the reason for the split—and whether you wanted it or not—the breakup of a relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings." 

And this:

"Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening."

Source: Mental Health America

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/coping_divorce_relationship_breakup.htm

So...all my emotions...

Normal, or not?

Feel free to weigh in. But I'm pretty sure the answer to the question is, "normal".
And that it's all a natural response to the divorce process. A process that comes with much grieving.

It doesn't mean that I am making a bad decision

It doesn't mean that I should be doing anything differently. 

It doesn't mean that I am second-guessing.

It just means that change is hard, and sometimes we resist it, even when it is the best thing.
It just means that appropriate grieving is hard. And it takes time.

It just means that, as one of my therapists terms it, "un-coupling" is hard.

It just means that I am normal. 

And that I have a heart.

So now that you know, you should also know this. I have been completely amazed by the kind and loving responses I received after my last post. Phone calls, text messages, FB messages and posts, blog comments, emails. I have cried a little (and smiled a little!) with each one. I have not felt judged, or as though anyone is taking sides. I have just felt support for me and for my family. And that is exactly as it should be.

Expressing what this means to me is next to impossible. Once again, words fail me where tears do not. But I will be forever grateful for the messages, calls, thoughts, prayers, lunches, difficult conversations, hugs, laughs, cries, and places of safety, refuge and strength you have provided for me all long the way. 

As uncomfortable as all of the "feeling" may be, I am so glad human beings like you and I have hearts. 

So that you can feel my pain. And I can feel your love. 

Thank you so much.

And one day, I will write that post about what not to say to someone who is divorcing.
Hint: If you are reading this, you probably didn't say it. ; )