Announcements!

I'm not gonna lie. Every time I hear the word "announcements" I can't help but think of Girl's Camp and 125 girls singing at the top of their lungs...

"Announcements, announcements, annou-ou-nce-ments!!...

Keep announcements nice and short, nice and short, nice and short. Keep announcements nice and short! 

WE DON'T LIKE THEM!!!"

So I'll keep this one short. Even though you'll like it.

Here it is...

And here it is again...

Yup. That's right.
In May I am having another Grandbaby. Because my Kid Two is having her own Kid Two.

And after the weekend playing with her Kid One, I couldn't be more excited about this!

I mean, honestly. Look at this. Isn't he dreamy? It only makes sense to have another.

And so CONGRATULATIONS to this beautiful and growing family!!

And that will do it for announcements today.

= )

To see more fun pics and read Kid Two's announcement about this check out her blog:

http://karissaandscott.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-secret-is-out.html

The Little Man and De-eh-eh-Bu-Ssy!!

Yup. You read that right.
De-eh-eh-bu-ssy.
Because while Rachmaninoff makes me dreamy, and Chopin makes me sigh, Debussy makes me stutter just a little bit. In all the right ways.
But mostly because the video you are about to watch is riddled with camera shake.

Seriously. You would think I would be able to get this whole video-with-my-camera-thing right already. It honestly is not that complicated! But I don't do it nearly often enough and always wait till approximately 15.8 seconds before I need to use the skill to remember that I do not have the skill. At all.

My excuses this time around?
I had just run a half marathon. On five hours of sleep. For three nights in a row.
But I had had caffeine on the race course.
My body doesn't know exactly what to do with caffeine.
I had placed myself out of the way of the judge (do not distract the judge!!) and in a position I thought would stabilize the camera.
It took about 18 seconds for my hand to cramp. And for me to wonder what the hay bale I was doing in this position. And trying to remember just how long Little Man's song was.
I thought it was two minutes. (I can do anything for two minutes, right?)
It was four.
Ouch.
Tired.
Hungry.
Thirsty.
Dizzy.
Camera shake.

But here is the good news. This video is not about me.
Nope it is about An Awesome Performance by the Little Man.
Because he played really, really well.
And by really, really well, I mean, you decide.
But I'm telling you he played flippin' fantastic!

So take a listen. Ignore the wiggles. And know that in the end he got the highest score. A 4... Plus.
And nothing but oozing accolades from the judge.

Yup. It was a good day for Debussy. And Little Man. Who is really Not-So-Little-Any-More-Man.

And I am left with just three words...
Way to go!!!
Next time, TRIPOD!!!

(Oh, and a self-memo to remember the record off button. So you can be spared the lovely parting shot of the floor. Geesh.)

The One First Thing

It's Wednesday. Of the next week after the last week that I wrote. Which can only mean one thing. That I've been busy. Well, it can really mean two things. That I've been busy and that now I have lots to write about. I don't always have lots to write about on the Wednesday of the next week after the last week that I wrote. But this time I do. And this is a good thing. Except for the part where I will have to be careful not to bury you with information overload. So I'm going to start with just one first thing.

And for today that one first thing is adoption.

It goes like this...

Last week my Gal Pal came to visit. For five days.

You should know that:

* She and I met a little over 16 years ago. At a church picnic. In Kansas.
* We met when I recognized her husband there. Because he went to my High School. In Texas. And then years later he unexpectedly showed up with his family at a church picnic. In Kansas.
* I am pretty positive that God moved my family from Washington to Texas when I was 16 so that I could meet her husband -  who later met her, and married her, and moved her to Kansas. Where I could meet her.
* We became instant friends.
* Over the last 16 years we have been through a lot together. And by a lot, that is exactly what I mean.
A. Lot. I will not give you the very lengthy list. But know that it includes videotaping the births of her two youngest children. And the amazing things she says while in labor.

Now it also includes divorce.
And adoption.

While my Gal Pal was here we had a chance to lend mutual support about these last two things. We laughed, we cried, we ran, and we ate a lot of really good food.

And I learned this about adoption:

* Adopting 3 kids from Ukraine is hard. Very, very HARD.
* When adopting children at risk there is an urgency that only a mother with a deep love and concern for her missing children can understand.
* The adoption process takes way longer than you ever plan or hope for.
* It's surprising who supports you. And even more surprising who doesn't.
* But every kind gesture, no matter how big or small, is profoundly appreciated.
* Sometimes the obstacles seem insurmountable.
* And adoption of this kind cannot be done alone. It honestly and in every way "takes a village".
* Each and every one of us can be a part of this village.

I've thought a lot about this. About how much I want to be in this village. And what I can do to be a helpful part of it from a thousand miles and several states away. So today, and scattered throughout the next many days... and weeks... and even months, if necessary, and all the way until my friend has her kids safely at home with her, I will do what I can. Which may mean bugging all of you about it through this blog.

So this is the other first thing today. A way I can help. And a way you can help.

On Saturday, November 3, 2012, in South Jordan, Utah, there will be a "Sugar Rush 5K for Charity " with all proceeds to benefit the adoption of my Gal Pal's Ukranian kids.

Like me, most of you don't live in Utah where the race is being held. This makes helping with this thing a little complicated.

But...

I've come up with some things that you and I can do to pitch in:

1.  Visit http://truaxadoptionadventure.blogspot.com/. Look around and read their amazing story. See if there is anything you can think of doing to help. Anything. Then do it. And pass the link along. Ask others to see if they can think of anything they can do to help. Anything.

2. Visit this specific link http://truaxadoptionadventure.blogspot.com/2012/10/i-feel-sugar-rush-coming.html to find information about the upcoming 5K event.

3.  Pass this link along to anyone you know who lives in Utah that likes to run. Or walk. Or move. And encourage them to participate.

4.  Consider donating the amount of the required entry fee as if you were able to run it yourself. And then... Just Donate It! Bonus: If you don't live there you won't even have to get off the couch to be part in this way. And you can still feel really, really good about yourself. Because you made a difference to someone else.

5.  If you live in my town and want to donate and also run, let me know. I will be running a 5K on that same day, at that same time, in their honor. And I would love to have some running buddies. Really. I mean this. Text me, email me, message me, comment on this post, whatever. Let me know if you'd be interested and I'll take care of the rest. Including delicious post-run cookies and milk.

6.  If you do not live in my town and want to donate and also run, do what I'm doing. Donate, run in your own town in honor of this adoption, and gather some running/walking buddies to also donate and join you in your own race. Provide delicious post-run cookies and milk.

7.  Share. Share. Share. Because sharing is caring. And the best way to get the word out. And that is what is needed here. To get the word out.

So there you have it. The one first thing I just had to get out before I can get to the rest of the stuff I want to write about. But the one thing that I felt was so important that it needed to come first. I hope everyone who reads this will take a minute or two to think about it. And share it. And do one first thing about it themselves, whatever that may be.

Today's Rainy Run

Today I needed to run. But I woke up to the threat of rain. And swiftly decided to go back to sleep. This worked for about eight and a half minutes. Until I remembered that the rain was only supposed to get more threatening as the day wore on. Which kind of woke my brain up. And by, kind of woke my brain up, I really mean, started a sudden rush of thoughts, ideas, and pressures all swirling into one powerful vortical flow that I Could. Not. Quiet.

So I dragged myself out of bed...

and procrastinated....
and procrastinated...
and procrastinated.

For two more hours.

I walked the dog. I answered emails. I Facebook stalked. I did laundry. I played Words With Friends.  Anything to avoid running. But the day was wearing on and I desperately needed a shower. Which meant I needed to exercise first. So I checked the weather one more time in an effort to answer the burning "to run, or not to run" question.

As luck would have it, there was only a 30% chance of rain right then. And a 70% chance of rain and thunderstorms later. If I was going to make it any further than the mailbox and back before getting struck by lightning I needed to stop procrastinating and get out the door. Now.

Or...
I could lift weights instead.
Or... 
I could do a short run and then lift weights.
Or... 
I could go back to bed.

I thought this through carefully. For another thirty minutes. Mentally examining every running route option. And every weights option. And every sleeping option. None of which included the gym. Because I'm pretty sure they wouldn't even let me in the gym without that shower.

So I finally settled on a plan for a 30-minute outside run and then a workout video in the privacy of my own little apartment. I laced up my running shoes, threw on a safe-for-running-in-the-rain-and-not-looking-obscene tech tee, and hit the door running.
Just as the rain started.
Then got harder. Rapidly.
With a healthy side of wind.
And distant thunder.

But I had made up my mind and was not about turn back.

It took about one and a half blocks of pelting rain to feel a wide smile cross my face with the sudden recollection that...

I LOVE RUNNING IN THE RAIN!!!

I mentally rerouted and opted for a longer run and no weights.

Another two blocks and I could see large water droplets hanging precariously on the edge of my eyelashes. And three blocks later I began to feel the rain wash sweat into the corners of my mouth. I love this for some reason. Weird, I know.

Enter...

*Happy, energetic, mid-run sigh*

I'm not gonna lie. I find moments like these to be invigorating and empowering. And I kind of like to think in my mind that I am hard core. I also like to think in my mind that the passing cars think so, too. (I doubt this is true. They probably really think that I'm just not-so-bright as your average blond.)

I was running pretty hard and pretty happy by now and was pretty tuned into my music. Until I rounded the bend and entered the tree-lined running trail...just as there was a break between songs.

And all I could hear was the rain in the trees.

I stopped cold.
I pulled out the earplugs.
I turned off the iPod.
I stood still and quiet.
I closed my eyes.
And I listened.

What I heard was not a sound. It was a memory. A memory from when I was young and would venture into the acres of forest behind our Washington State home for lengthy walks in the rain. These were days long before headphones or iPods or tech tees. Simpler, safer times. Times of me, self-discovery, deep thinking, heavy feeling, and rain tip-tip-tapping in the trees, spilling over leaves and bough to the forest floor below.

For the next three miles I ran completely unplugged. And deeply lost in the sound of sweet, sweet memories.



*Dreamy Sigh*




*And another Dreamy Sigh*



This part of my run was over too quickly. I wish I could have remained for ten more miles. Or ten more days.

Rounding the corner back up onto the sidewalk of the busy, wet street, was a shocking jolt to reality as I powered up a long, slow hill and back to my apartment. Once again tuned into my music.

It turns out that the weather men got it backwards today (surprise!) and I inadvertently chose the rainiest time of today to run. I had to wring the bottom of my safe-for-running-in-the-rain-and-not-looking-obscene tech tee out three times before I finished. I don't know how many days it will take for my shoes to dry. And ironically, the rain stopped shortly after my run stopped.

But that's okay. Because long before I made it home I realized that for today's rainy run I was not hard core. Nor was I not-so-bright.

I was simply blessed.

What Is Normal?

Do you ever find you asking yourself things like...

Is it normal to be annoyed by crooked wall hangings?
Is it normal to like butter and sugar on your pancakes?
Is it normal to be afraid of spiders?
Is it normal to have to clean your kitchen before you can comfortably cook in your kitchen?
Is it normal to have receipts from 1979?
Is it normal to have a headache after eating Nacho Cheese Doritos, but feel just fine after eating Cooler Ranch Doritos? (Seriously. What gives?)
Is it normal to smell your own armpits?

Well, these are some of the questions I ask myself. (Emphasis on some. Because I don't have any receipts from 1979. Nor do I smell my own armpits. But I know people who do. Gross.) And since I "put it all out there" in my last honest and open post, I am now free to confess that going through a divorce has added a whole list of new questions to my "Is it normal...?" list.

Like...

Is it normal to feel like everyone is talking around you, but not to you?
Is it normal to feel kind of isolated from your family, as well as some of your old friends and activities?
Is it normal to feel a little lost when all that was familiar is shifting too quickly to keep up?
Is it normal to feel compassion and anger simultaneously?
Is it normal to feel nervous about eating out by yourself for the first time?
(I was. But I did. They sat me at a table for 8. By myself. True story. I count it as a victory.)

I could make this list very long. But I won't. Because I think you get the point by now.
And perhaps you even asked yourself some questions about me after reading my last post.

Questions like...

When going through a divorce is it normal to feel really sad, really happy, like a failure, like a success, uncertain of yourself, confident, frightened, brave, anxious, peaceful, and a host of other emotions - even in the same day?

It's okay if you did. I did, too. Then I Googled it. Because Google knows everything.
And if you can't find it on YouTube it hasn't been done.

I didn't Google all of these questions individually, because I am pretty familiar with the grieving process. So I just Googled "grief and divorce". And then I opened the first link at the top of the page.

I found this:

"It’s never easy when a marriage or significant relationship ends. Whatever the reason for the split—and whether you wanted it or not—the breakup of a relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings." 

And this:

"Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening."

Source: Mental Health America

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/coping_divorce_relationship_breakup.htm

So...all my emotions...

Normal, or not?

Feel free to weigh in. But I'm pretty sure the answer to the question is, "normal".
And that it's all a natural response to the divorce process. A process that comes with much grieving.

It doesn't mean that I am making a bad decision

It doesn't mean that I should be doing anything differently. 

It doesn't mean that I am second-guessing.

It just means that change is hard, and sometimes we resist it, even when it is the best thing.
It just means that appropriate grieving is hard. And it takes time.

It just means that, as one of my therapists terms it, "un-coupling" is hard.

It just means that I am normal. 

And that I have a heart.

So now that you know, you should also know this. I have been completely amazed by the kind and loving responses I received after my last post. Phone calls, text messages, FB messages and posts, blog comments, emails. I have cried a little (and smiled a little!) with each one. I have not felt judged, or as though anyone is taking sides. I have just felt support for me and for my family. And that is exactly as it should be.

Expressing what this means to me is next to impossible. Once again, words fail me where tears do not. But I will be forever grateful for the messages, calls, thoughts, prayers, lunches, difficult conversations, hugs, laughs, cries, and places of safety, refuge and strength you have provided for me all long the way. 

As uncomfortable as all of the "feeling" may be, I am so glad human beings like you and I have hearts. 

So that you can feel my pain. And I can feel your love. 

Thank you so much.

And one day, I will write that post about what not to say to someone who is divorcing.
Hint: If you are reading this, you probably didn't say it. ; )

A Really Honest Post

Okay. The title makes it sound as though I don't always write honest posts. That's not true. I do.
Honestly.

But lately I find myself having a little trouble writing anything at all. And by a little trouble I really mean very, very much trouble. My "posts" page is quickly filling up with drafts that go unfinished and unpublished. Lots and lots of drafts. Because up until now this blog has been a really great avenue for me to gain a little confidence, learn some new things, and do a bit of self-healing along the way. But right about now, it seems more of a frustration than anything.

I realized just how much the other morning. When I woke up feeling funky. And by funky I don't mean, put-on-your-dancing-shoes-and-boogie funky. I mean, bury-your-head-under-a-pillow-and-maybe-never-come-out funky. But I did unbury my head. Long enough to read a super funny blog post.
Not written by me.
It seriously had me laughing out loud. An authentic from the gut laugh. It was a great way to start the day!... Until I remembered how very much I miss writing a fun blog post. Then I just got mad. And by mad I don't mean, I'm-a-flippin'-genius mad. I mean, I'd-feel-much-better-after-blowing-up-a-Porta-Potty mad. So I put on my angry eyes and started an angry post. Totally unfiltered. Trust me. You did not want to read this. I sat on it for three days. Then decided what I needed most was to take off the angry eyes and just write a really honest post. And by really honest, I mean open.

So here are five really honest and open things you should know:

1. After nearly 27 years of marriage, I am in the middle of a divorce. This is hard. Harder than anything.
2. I moved out of my house, in the middle of the night, exactly six months ago. Four weeks before my daughter's wedding.
3. I served divorce papers one month later. Nine days before the wedding celebration in her husband's town.
4. I know that 1, 2, and 3 make me sound crazy. I am not. But over the past few months I have reached my complete and total stress threshold. Several times.
5. And I have successfully made it through nearly one year's worth of holidays "alone". What do I have left? The big ones. My birthday, the anniversary, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Then I can check off a whole year's worth of "firsts". And for the first time ever I am looking forward to January.

And here are five more really honest and open things you should know:

1. If there is anything out there more difficult than divorce, please don't wish it upon me. Or anyone. Because divorce is enough brutality for one lifetime.
2. I feel sad. Really sad. I feel happy. Really happy. I feel like a failure... I feel successful... I feel uncertain of myself... I feel confident... I feel frightened... I feel brave... I feel anxious... I feel peaceful... I feel, I feel, I feel! I pretty much feel everything. And I really feel everything. Often in the same day. But most of all I feel better, and healthier, than I have in a really long time.
3. I cry every day. Some days I cry a little. Some days I cry a lot. Either way, I am growing new wrinkles. To be fair, I have earned them. But that doesn't mean I want them. Ergh.
4. I am learning a lot about myself - who I am, and who I want to be. Each new day I have to look directly at me... and dig deep. Very deep. It's kind of big. And important. And difficult to blog about.
5. Mostly, I am learning a lot about my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Stuff I thought I knew. But didn't really.

And if you are up to it, here are five more really honest and open things you should know:

1. I have learned what not to say to people who are divorcing. Because people have said it to me.
2. But sometimes saying the wrong thing is better than saying nothing at all...    Sometimes.
3. I have been blessed with amazing friends. And amazing family.
4. I have been blessed with amazing everything, really. All along the way. So. Abundantly. Blessed.
5. And I am deeply grateful. Usually there are not words to express just how grateful. But there are tears. So I grow more wrinkles.

There is more. A lot more. Things I miss, things I don't miss; things I love about now, and things I can hardly bear; frustrating things; absurd things; hilarious things; overwhelming things; the good, the bad, the ugly, and...the uglier things. And beautiful things. A dozen or so more lists of five. Or ten.

I have never wanted for this blog to serve as an online journal. Instead, I have wanted it to be fun, inspiring, poignant, clever, thoughtful, and humorous, with messages that people can relate to. Or at least find a little joy in. But those things are hard in coming these days. I also wasn't going to write about my divorce until it was all over. And even then I planned to write only three posts, all in one week, and be done about it. But I'm not gonna lie. This has felt so good to write. Maybe because sometimes I just need to get the real stuff out. Or  maybe because in getting it out I have freed myself... to free my words. I'm not exactly sure. But it may be time for a season of more posts like this. Honest. And most of all, open. So hang with me while I figure it all out.

And I promise. I'll try to leave the angry eyes at home.