Friday Photos!

My last Friday Photos post included some pics taken from the overlook at the Liberty Memorial.

If you remember, it was snowy. And very, very cold. 

Well, yesterday was into the high 90s with loads of humidity, typical of July.

So it was only fair to get a few summer shots!

I arrived early in the evening and only planned to shoot for a few minutes, and do a little thinking.
Catharsis.
But as the evening wore on and the sun began to fall, I couldn't pull myself from the quiet and peace above the city.
So I lingered.
For hours.
I watched children play;
Enjoyed pleasant conversation with strangers.
Observed a very-in-love couple kissing...a lot (Ick);
And a very distressed (and loud) couple breaking up (Oy).
I tried to leave several times.
But with the beautiful views in every direction, each time I walked away there was something that drew me back in.
It was well after the sun went down before I ventured home.

And I'm pretty sure that if I could sit in a yoga pose and get over my fear of heights,
I could have sat on the wall and meditated All.Night.Long.
Until I fell asleep. And dropped to my death.

Here are a handful of shots from the night.

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This is just your standard view. Decidedly more awesome in real life.

Tricky angles this time, and by tricky, I mean only one.

Because there is construction and only a small portion of the overlook that you can even access.

So... these are the mosaic walls. I love these walls. 

Notice the girl in the background? 

She was looking through a little keyhole in the door to the Memory Hall.
Perfect. : )

She was also there playing with her siblings and cousins. 

They were a little confused about why I would want to take pictures of the wall. 

They thought I should be taking pictures of them. 

So I did.

Totally natural posers.

And now, the Western Auto building.

For some reason I am in love with this building. 

Irrationally in love.

And the Liberty Memorial

Construction to the left.

And a pink sunset behind me that you can see bouncing off every surface. 

After this, I just sat and watched everything around me as the sun went down
and the colors changed from every angle. No pics.

And then I headed to my car. And turned around one last time to take a look. 

That's when I saw the Western Auto sign illuminating for the night.
Naturally, I went back.
Again.

I was there for another hour.

..............

Kissing couple on the left. Fighting couple on the right.

And don't miss the man sporting the very fashionable black socks and dress shoes...

With shorts.

A summertime favorite.

And this. 

And the full view.

And slightly fuller view.

I love this city.

And I love this place.
This was my first time at the Memorial at night.

I may move there.

Happy Friday!

The Dream Scream

Okay. I have done it. 

And you should be impressed. 

Especially since I have done it more than once.

Yes, I have broken The Dream Scream Barrier.

You know what I'm talking about, right? Dreams. The ones that are so vivid, so frightening, so real that they feel like they are happening.

You are pinned down,
heart pounding,
unable to run,
or hit,
or kick,
or scratch,
or even wriggle.
You have to get free, but you can't.
You have to run away, but you can't.
You need help and you need it fast.
But there is nothing you can do except...
Scream.

So you try. But nothing comes out.
You try again. Still nothing.
You try again... And again...

The grasp is tightening, the threat imminent.
Beads of sweat are forming on the back of your neck and across your forehead.
And if you don't do something fast you Just. Might. Die.
So you muster all your strength and scream once more.

AAAAAAAAA!!! 

And this time you are actually able to get something out!
Sometimes this is nothing more than a little tiny squeak that hardly represents the terror you're experiencing. (Frustrating!)
But every once in awhile, when you really, really mean it, that scream comes all the way out.
Loudly.
So loudly it wakes you.
And then...

Congratulations! 

You are now one of the Elite Dreamers.

Because you have broken The Dream Scream Barrier.

This happened to me for the first time last fall with two sisters and one sister-in-law, all of us sleeping in one big basement room. I had a horrifying dream and I screamed so hard that I broke The Dream Scream Barrier. They all flew out of bed, flooded the room with light, and asked concerned questions. I think they were alarmed. But me? I was just so proud of myself!!! Seriously, who does not want to do this?

Well, as it turns out, I must have been happier about my accomplishment than I even thought, because it has happened again. And again. And a few times again. I am actually getting really good at this game. So good that a few weeks ago, and again not so long ago, it wasn't just a scream.
It was an entire phrase.
Impressive, I know. Really. Even I'm a little amazed that I can get these things out. But the dreams? I'm not gonna lie, I am growing a little tired of them. Literally tired. Because once you've been awakened in the middle of the night by a dream like that it's kind of hard to get back to sleep.

Trust me when I say that talking (and screaming!) in my sleep really is a new thing for me.
And I've decided it's not something you can teach yourself to do.
It has to come from the gut, rooted in something more than the conscious mind can grasp.
This is not always pretty.

But you should know that in the midst of these screaming incidents I have had One Shining Dream Moment that just about makes it all okay.
This happened in January when my siblings and I had all gathered to surprise my dad to help him clean up his house a little lot.
The night before we showed up unannounced on his doorstep I found myself with two sisters, all of us sleeping in one big basement room.
As daylight broke I was still fast asleep.
But my sister was not. And she heard me clearly say...

"I'm so thankful..."

(Imagine me smiling a little bit about this.)

She was delighted to hear such a happy phrase so early in the morning and thought I was setting a shining example by starting the day with such a positive proclamation!

I had no idea I had.

(Yup. Still smiling.)

I've thought a lot about my dreams since then. All of them. Good and bad. And I've decided I definitely have a strong opinion about them. I think they carry meaning and often come from the deepest wells of our souls, especially when they evoke compelling emotion, so as to wake us from our sleep; or to leave us with a feeling that can linger for days. And I have come to recognize my frightful dreams as reminder and warning dreams, linked to real fears in my real life - past, present, and even future. So I pay attention to them.

But I'm lucky, because I don't just get terrifying dreams.
I also get funny dreams,
happy dreams,
and warm, peaceful, safe dreams.

And on that one January morning, a grateful dream.

It seems no accident that this manifested even when I was unaware,
as it truly speaks of the things of my heart.
For while there may be fear,
there is also hope.

And evidence all around that I have every reason to be thankful.

The Past Three Months

Today marks exactly three months since I have posted a blog entry.

 That's like, gosh, I don't know, 15 years in blog years. 

But I've been having a problem coming up with things to write because quite honestly, 

there has only been one thing on my mind for the last three months. 

Survival. 

Well, that, divorce, and all that goes with it, which really means a million things. 

But I'm pretty sure that these subjects don't have a very broad appeal. 

Unless, of course, you are also going through a divorce. Or are recently divorced. Or want to be divorced.

Or just have an insatiable interest in the not-so-pretty details of someone else's life. 

And survival.

Any way you slice it, writing has been difficult. 

But for my sanity (trust me, I know that this is rarely for yours!), I need to get back to writing. 

So here I am, trying again.

It's always hardest to know where to begin again, and I have half a dozen unfinished posts that really deserve finishing. But to jump right in with one of those just seems a little... off. So, I will simply make this a broad update about what I've been up to since I last clicked "publish". In order. Mostly. Please know that I do not share for the sake of attention or pity.

Work;
meetings with my attorney to prepare for mediation;
work;
6.5 grueling hours (for me, anyway) with my still-not, but-soon-to-be former husband, both our attorneys, and a mediator trying to come to settlement terms everyone could agree upon;
a long hot bath;
25 double stuff Oreos and a half bag of Cheetos;
2 days volunteering at Time Out For Women (check it out here http://tofw.com/);
work;
one last trip to get some of (unfortunately, not all of) my stuff from a house that will no longer be mine;
Iron Man 3 and popcorn with lots and lots of butter;
work;
25 more double stuff Oreos and the other half bag of Cheetos;
doctor's appointments;
prom pics for a friend;
a wedding reception (and many more missed wedding receptions);
a long overdue haircut and color;
a birthday for Kid Two;
work;
a birthday for Kid Four;
almost weekly appointments with my therapist;
phone calls, emails and revision proposals with the attorneys;
almost weekly temple visits;
an amazing massage;
(Thank you to my dear friend who got this for me! And you should know that as soon as the massage therapist put her hands on my shoulders I began to cry. Uncontrollably. Quiet tears all down my face for the first 20 minutes. Embarrassing. So actually, maybe you shouldn't know this at all);
work;
lunches with friends. Including dessert - always;
five days of company;
Mother's Day;
a puppy shoot... with the camera, people;
Young Women meetings;
work;
family photos (not mine);
nine days visiting Kid Three and seven days with her NEW BABY!!! YAY!!!;
1000 photos I still haven't had time to edit;
more phone calls, emails and revision proposals with the attorney;
five more days of company;
Hospital Hill half marathon;
Girl's Camp;
a birthday for Kid Three;
more settlement revisions;
work;
Man of Steel... and drool. *Sigh*;
a 24-hour wedding reception trip;
cake. yum;
work;
pedicures with a friend;
work;
A MISSION CALL for Kid Four!! Yay!!!;
Father's Day;
work;
three more days visiting Kid Three for my grandson's baby blessing;
a few fun hours with Kid One;
one and a half days of concentrated scrapbooking (I've decided: there will be scrapbooking in hell);
five days at a family reunion;
a birthday for Kid Five;
more intense, stressful, and exhausting settlement revisions;

And

One week and one day ago...

The Fourth of July.

Independence Day.

The day me and my still-not, but-soon-to-be former husband agreed to the terms of our settlement.
And because of one very kind notary and some really hard-working attorneys who are apparently willing to give up holidays to meet unreasonable demands from their clients, also the day we both signed final papers.
Exactly 28 years, to the day, after we first met.

It was also the first day of a five-day trip to Idaho and Utah to see Kid Four dance, go to the temple with her, and visit friends and family.

For the Kid Four things me and still-not, but-soon-to-be former husband were both there.
At the same time.
Oy.

I'm not gonna lie. It's been intense. Really, REALLY intense.
Though unwritten, each one of these things has come with its own intricacies and complexities.

And I've had a meltdown more than once. 

Sadly, I recently had one in front of one of my kids - something I have worked very hard to avoid. 

I talked to my therapist about it and asked,

"What is wrong with me that I was not able to handle things better?"

Her response was, "You're asking what is wrong with you? What you should be asking yourself is, 

'How did I make it through at all?'"

And I think that about sums it up.

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Post note: By Kid Three having a baby, I really meant Kid Two.
Yes, I did proofread my post. Six times.
No, I did not notice this mistake till someone pointed it out to me.
And I think I won't change it. At least for now.
Because it makes me giggle just a little bit. : )