The Past Three Months

Today marks exactly three months since I have posted a blog entry.

 That's like, gosh, I don't know, 15 years in blog years. 

But I've been having a problem coming up with things to write because quite honestly, 

there has only been one thing on my mind for the last three months. 

Survival. 

Well, that, divorce, and all that goes with it, which really means a million things. 

But I'm pretty sure that these subjects don't have a very broad appeal. 

Unless, of course, you are also going through a divorce. Or are recently divorced. Or want to be divorced.

Or just have an insatiable interest in the not-so-pretty details of someone else's life. 

And survival.

Any way you slice it, writing has been difficult. 

But for my sanity (trust me, I know that this is rarely for yours!), I need to get back to writing. 

So here I am, trying again.

It's always hardest to know where to begin again, and I have half a dozen unfinished posts that really deserve finishing. But to jump right in with one of those just seems a little... off. So, I will simply make this a broad update about what I've been up to since I last clicked "publish". In order. Mostly. Please know that I do not share for the sake of attention or pity.

Work;
meetings with my attorney to prepare for mediation;
work;
6.5 grueling hours (for me, anyway) with my still-not, but-soon-to-be former husband, both our attorneys, and a mediator trying to come to settlement terms everyone could agree upon;
a long hot bath;
25 double stuff Oreos and a half bag of Cheetos;
2 days volunteering at Time Out For Women (check it out here http://tofw.com/);
work;
one last trip to get some of (unfortunately, not all of) my stuff from a house that will no longer be mine;
Iron Man 3 and popcorn with lots and lots of butter;
work;
25 more double stuff Oreos and the other half bag of Cheetos;
doctor's appointments;
prom pics for a friend;
a wedding reception (and many more missed wedding receptions);
a long overdue haircut and color;
a birthday for Kid Two;
work;
a birthday for Kid Four;
almost weekly appointments with my therapist;
phone calls, emails and revision proposals with the attorneys;
almost weekly temple visits;
an amazing massage;
(Thank you to my dear friend who got this for me! And you should know that as soon as the massage therapist put her hands on my shoulders I began to cry. Uncontrollably. Quiet tears all down my face for the first 20 minutes. Embarrassing. So actually, maybe you shouldn't know this at all);
work;
lunches with friends. Including dessert - always;
five days of company;
Mother's Day;
a puppy shoot... with the camera, people;
Young Women meetings;
work;
family photos (not mine);
nine days visiting Kid Three and seven days with her NEW BABY!!! YAY!!!;
1000 photos I still haven't had time to edit;
more phone calls, emails and revision proposals with the attorney;
five more days of company;
Hospital Hill half marathon;
Girl's Camp;
a birthday for Kid Three;
more settlement revisions;
work;
Man of Steel... and drool. *Sigh*;
a 24-hour wedding reception trip;
cake. yum;
work;
pedicures with a friend;
work;
A MISSION CALL for Kid Four!! Yay!!!;
Father's Day;
work;
three more days visiting Kid Three for my grandson's baby blessing;
a few fun hours with Kid One;
one and a half days of concentrated scrapbooking (I've decided: there will be scrapbooking in hell);
five days at a family reunion;
a birthday for Kid Five;
more intense, stressful, and exhausting settlement revisions;

And

One week and one day ago...

The Fourth of July.

Independence Day.

The day me and my still-not, but-soon-to-be former husband agreed to the terms of our settlement.
And because of one very kind notary and some really hard-working attorneys who are apparently willing to give up holidays to meet unreasonable demands from their clients, also the day we both signed final papers.
Exactly 28 years, to the day, after we first met.

It was also the first day of a five-day trip to Idaho and Utah to see Kid Four dance, go to the temple with her, and visit friends and family.

For the Kid Four things me and still-not, but-soon-to-be former husband were both there.
At the same time.
Oy.

I'm not gonna lie. It's been intense. Really, REALLY intense.
Though unwritten, each one of these things has come with its own intricacies and complexities.

And I've had a meltdown more than once. 

Sadly, I recently had one in front of one of my kids - something I have worked very hard to avoid. 

I talked to my therapist about it and asked,

"What is wrong with me that I was not able to handle things better?"

Her response was, "You're asking what is wrong with you? What you should be asking yourself is, 

'How did I make it through at all?'"

And I think that about sums it up.

_____________________________________________

Post note: By Kid Three having a baby, I really meant Kid Two.
Yes, I did proofread my post. Six times.
No, I did not notice this mistake till someone pointed it out to me.
And I think I won't change it. At least for now.
Because it makes me giggle just a little bit. : )